Men are people too
I chose this title mainly because it's ridiculous enough to make a point (I hope).
I've never really felt dumb before starting my Aeronautical degree, but I've also never really felt smart. You know how there's always those people who are cursed by the title, and everybody knows that they're the smart kid, and if you need help with homework you go to them. I was never that kid.
Being a woman in engineering I've been surrounded by men, every day, every classroom, and every tutoring center( there are a few women sprinkled in there thank goodness, my heart goes out to all you lovely warriors). And once again, within my school circles, I am not the dumb kid but I'm not the smart kid either. But, whenever I talk to someone outside of my school realm about my degree, they always seem to think that I must be exceptionally smart; which is very much NOT true!
Being an engineering student I have felt dumb EVERY.FRICKEN.SINGLE.DAY.
This is mainly because my own personal insecurities and female conditioning, but it's also because men around me have made me feel that way.
I can't discount the necessity of this feeling because it's so important to recognize that there's always going to be more to learn: A new perspective, a new skill, or new information. And there's always going to be someone smarter than you even if you're the smart kid in class and even if you're Elon Musk(sorry dude).
At this point in my life--about to have my engineering degree, and about to be a big girl at age 27 lol, I've never felt more dumb and inadequate to embark on this new adventure into my career. People expect me to know everything now, to perform at exceptional rates, and ya know "walk the walk".
People expect me to know so much, it seems, Even areas of interest that are so unrelated to engineering, because now I'll be an all glorious engineer whoopdy doo. Now, excuse me if my logic becomes ambiguous or presumptuous, I'll try to explain myself as best I can with the finite language that is English.
Recently I've had an epiphany that seems really valuable to me as I go into a field that is dominated by men.
In general I've found through out my life that people will treat you the way they've been treated or MIStreated. Of course there's exceptions to every rule including this one, but the study of human psychology has demonstrated that our behavior is learned. The field is called "behaviorism".
I learned this at a very young age and used the information as a mental defense mechanism against people who mistreated me. It reminded me that they weren't being awful to me because there was something wrong with me, but because someone had been awful to them, thus teaching/conditioning them to be awful.
Okay, now for the unveiling of the epiphany that I teased you with earlier. I hope that you've followed my Trainwreck of thoughts so far, or this is going to sound very presumptuous and pretentious of me to think that I understand men better because of engineering.
The epiphany is that men have ALWAYS felt the way I'm feeling now, feeling the expectation from society to know everything about everything, probably even from a young age.
I'm not really the feminist who thinks women have it worse, but I kind of am sometimes, because well shit I'm a woman, and I bleed out my vagina every month and men expect me to be dumb & incapable and let me know it (most of the time subconsciously but also sometimes VERY consciously). It sucks and it hurts my poor woman feelings.
The way I'm feeling now that people think I'm the "smart kid" is so much pressure, and it's terrifying, but also not THAT awful because then I remember that I really do know A LOT of things. Hahahahaha that last thought explains why a lot of dudes are so arrogant. I think the cycle of insecurities> over compensation>insecurities> over compensation must be so exhausting. I'm so happy I'm a woman hahaha because my male supervisors will expect me to be smart but not THAT smart. I'm lucky really! :P
I used to want to be a boy when I was little cause I felt like I would feel less pain, and I know now that that is a silly frame of mind. I want to be happy with the amazing mind/body/spirit/human/girl/alien/flesh bag I've been given no matter how hormonal and insecure it gets sometimes. But we are in control of our minds and what we let ourselves be conditioned by whether it's other people mistreating us or society conditioning us. I intentionally choose to condition myself to KNOW that I am so smart(but not the smartest), so useful(but not indispensable), and so capable( but can become more capable). And so are all of you, but only you can choose to know that for yourself!
In conclusion, I very much consider myself a feminist, I love women and believe in equal rights and equal respect. Each of us have strengths and weaknesses that vary tremendously, whether the comparison is between female vs male, male vs male, or woman vs woman. I do not support the misandry that seems to be flourishing in the feminist community even though I do understand the reasoning behind it. Nor do I support misogyny which I hope is an obvious given.
May we all seek to understand one another better and seek to obliterate ignorance and hatred; and by doing so I know from experience that we may find healing and peace from the wounds that we cause each other.
