Vulnerability & Humility(Dating)
Today I went on a hinge date! I'm PROUD of myself. Just to preface and provide a little context to this here next rant. I've been on hinge for about the last 6 months, and this was my third hinge date. I've chatted with a lot of people (30+) and things just don't really go anywhere.
SO, I decide I better just lower my pride, revert to my assertiveness, and actually go on a date instead of pretending to date and then being a salty angry bitch ‘cause I have no one to make out with.
But anyway, I go on this date and he's pretty much white guy #54 ( his words not mine) but with a personality; annnnnnnd also a complicated background AKA his mother passed away three months ago. And I'm thinking this is only my third date on hinge and this dude's mother just passed away and he's out here dating what the hell is wrong with me, I can't get off my ass and put more energy into dating?
So that's my context to what inspired this next train of thought.
After the date I started thinking about barriers that keep me from growth, whether it's with relationships or goals. I started thinking about things that were keeping me from the things that I wanted, AKA mental health, healthy relationships, success in my endeavors with dance, art, engineering, and public speaking.
I started to dissect legitimate obstacles that were keeping me from these things.
Not going to therapy is a prime example of an obstacle keeping me from better mental health. I’ve been meaning to go to talk therapy for about a decade now but my mind won’t let me legitimize the need.
My mind be like,” therapy could go one of two ways: it could either correct some of my negative thought patterns and help me be mentally stronger OR it could teach me all about social norms and expectations so that I can abide by them better so that I can be happier living in this ridiculous construct of normalcy that we’ve established for our stupid stupid selves.” *exasperated strained gasping after run on sentence*
Even there, my mind tries to elevate itself over a new growth opportunity thinking I'm too good for therapy because s*** I’m not going to learn anything! “ What if I don't learn anything?!?!” ,my mind thinks.
But what if I had the kind of humility to go into things assuming I would learn something, having the perspective that there's an infinite amount of things that I can learn from just experiencing it, whether its for the first time or hundredth time.
That's the kind of mentality I had as a kid. Everything was so new, exciting, and shiny that I knew I could and would learn. Relatively, that should always be the case no matter what phase of life we’re in. Knowledge is infinite. The amount that we learn in our lives doesn't even cover a fraction of the information available to us let alone the information that exists in the entire universe. It’s become very apparent to me that the more I learn the less I know.
Why am I so prideful that I can't even admit that I can learn something from anyone in any situation if that's what I expect myself to do? Why is that such a hard mentality to maintain?
Now, I don't know why hinge white dude number 54 was out on a date only three months after his mom passed away. Maybe it was ‘cause he’s trying to get laid, maybe he was just trying to get his mind off it, or just wanted company. But, no matter his reasons this dude had a kind of humility that I haven't seen in a long time. When he looked in my eyes it felt like he was offering me something genuine and just real and it scared me honestly. It scared me because I don't know if I can match that authenticity.
He also texted me later to say that since his mom had passed away he had a hard time getting close to people and I thought to myself, “my mom and dad are fully alive and all my life I've had a hard time getting close to people.”
I want to give him something real but I feel like I've given every real piece of myself away already; and every time I did it felt like they looked at the pieces, examined them for a second or two, and then discarded them like a torn envelope.
Are humans collectively afraid of humility, afraid of vulnerability?
It's so against our survival instinct and yet it seems to be a key ingredient that enables our evolution and growth.
Even when we avoid humility and vulnerability it's forced upon us by life traumas and events that bring us to our knees and tell us how minuscule we are; so minuscule that our internal worlds could be breaking to bits but the Earth keeps spinning. Our self-imposed and self-important versions of reality hold us up and out of vulnerability’s way for a time. But the natural laws that govern vulnerability in our lives pay no heed to our little endeavors and ideas of wealth, grandeur, and respect. Vulnerability crushes us into humility if we try to ignore it. If gratitude goes unattended to(which is a prerequisite to humility), our consciousness that is linked to the universal network of being becomes like a fussy unappreciated parent. But not because they want appreciation or acknowledgement, but because they know that the ideal conditions for growth is when we are ready to expect to learn something, and are ready to see something from a new perspective It fights back by putting us in mental timeout. “You don’t appreciate everything you have? Your health, family, resources? The trees all around you, the clean air and freedoms you possess? Fine.” They say, “lets see how it feels when x,y,z happens to you. Bet you’ll see then.”
To wrap up this mess of a rant, vulnerability and humility are natural laws that aren’t dismissible, like gravity. I’ve learned with surety that without these characteristics healing and growth for ourselves and others is impossible. I hope these things will always be important to me.
Also just to come full circle, white guy #54 whose mom passed away did not ask me on another date haha.
